May 02, 2012

A Letter To My Favorite Delivery Driver

I get it, I really do. I used to be a delivery driver for DHL, so I know how rushed you can be at times. I also know that sometimes you will try and finish your delivery route quickly so you can run errands before you have to start picking up packages. I get it, I really do.

But seriously, try waiting longer than the time to knock three times and say UPS before leaving. Especially if you hear someone inside saying "Hang on a sec" We have lives to live, articles to read, and we cannot always be huddled by the door waiting, waiting, waiting for you to arrive. Sometimes I'll be as far away from the door as 20 feet! I know this may seem entirely unreasonable to you, for me to make you wait the fifteen seconds it takes me to get to the door. But sometimes I have to take my hand off the door knob to use the bathroom, or make myself something to eat. Sometimes I like to rebel a little and sit on my couch, all of five feet from the door. It does take me some time to get to the door, and I know this.

So I apologize if I make you wait for me. Well, no I don't. You're being completely unreasonable here, UPS delivery driver (Not all, but one in particular. You know who you are, and you probably don't read this blog [probability that you do: 1 in 1.4 billion, est]) I have been literally right next to my door when you knocked, and I almost got an Infonotice glued to my face for my fast reaction time. You don't even bother to see if I'll actually answer the door before filling out your little sticker and putting it up. But at least you do put up the notice.

About seventy percent of the time. Oh, the patience I have practiced while waiting for my frivolous purchases to arrive! Only to have the delivery date come and go, with nary a word as to what's happened. Is it at the office? Has the shipment been delayed? Returned? Stuffed in a tiny office in Commerce city, like as happens when you don't feel like waiting thirty seconds for me to open the door? With an infonotice I at least know what's up, but without it I am floundering in a see of misery whilst waiting for Stargate coasters and cool laser pointer to arrive.

I get it, I really do. It can be hard to make all the deliveries on time, especially on holidays. And also apparently Tuesdays. And Wednesdays. And really anytime you make a delivery because you don't realize that people are not waiting, crouched behind their door in eager anticipation of your imminent arrival. Please, show a little patience, a little courtesy, or at the very least consistently deliver it to my apartments office. You have to walk right past it to get to my apartment anyway, so how hard is it? I know it may be too much to ask for you to be polite, but at least be courteous enough to tell me what's up with my package via brown and gold stickers. It's the least you could do (And far less than your boss promised me you would do, now that I've made a formal complaint about you)

So for all those shitty delivery drivers out there, and especially the one that delivers to me, suck it up and learn some damn patience. If you don't then you deserve to burn in eternal hellfire for making me wait one more day for my kick ass Tesla v. Edison combat T-Shirt.